A Few Email Jokes

The 10 Marriage Commandments




Commandment 1

Marriages are made in heaven.

But then again, so is thunder and lightning.



Commandment 2

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.



Commandment 3

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand!



Commandment 4

Married life is very frustrating.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.



Commandment 5

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:

Either the car is new or the wife is.



Commandment 6

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;

The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.



Commandment 7

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .

After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.



Commandment 8

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.



Commandment 9

Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.

That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.



Commandment 10

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.





BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.



The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'







The Italian Maria had just got married, but being an unusual Italian


She was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's

House, she was very nervous.



Her mother reassured her; 'Don't

Worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'



So, up she went. When she got

Upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran

Downstairs to her mother and said, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy

Chest.'



'Don't worry, Maria,' said the mother, 'all good men have

Hairy chests.. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'



So, up

She went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants

Exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy

Legs!'



'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good

Man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'



So, up she

Went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left

Foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'



Her Mama said,

'Stay here and stir the pasta.'




My friend has just been sacked from a new job in the




Wines and Spirits section at Tesco



A Muslim man came in



and asked if he could recommend a good port.



He said



“Try Dover .



Now F*** off”