My Personal Thoughts: Cameron's Multi-Mart

I have for a long time said our Government and main political parties are out of touch with the ordinary person in the street, the Multi Millionaires in charge of the Conservative, LibDems and Labour have no idea what it is like to live like the majority of us. So when Richard Littlejohn
wrote the article below I had to copy the whole article on to my Blog. Take time to read it you will find it very amusiing

LITTLEJOHN: Cameron's Multimart... are you being served? No!

By RICHARD LITTLEJOHN

PUBLISHED: 00:55, 5 September 2014 | UPDATED: 01:04, 5 September 2014

Justine Greening, the International Development Secretary, says Britain would be better governed if more ministers had worked in supermarkets.

Miss Greening is one of the few working class voices round the Cabinet table. Her first job was in the Rotherham branch of Morrisons.

She thinks that if a few more of her colleagues at Westminster had started their careers stacking shelves they might have a better understanding of the real world.

The posher half of the Cabinet probably get their groceries delivered from Fortnum & Mason. It’s a fair bet none of them has ever set foot in Lidl. They’d consider Waitrose slumming it.

Occasionally, politicians invite well-known retailers to advise them on running the country. But try to imagine what supermarkets would be like if they were run by career politicians . . .

Good morning shoppers and welcome to Cameron’s Multi-mart. This is your manager speaking, but you can call me Dave. We particularly welcome customers from the Black Minority Ethnic, LGBT and travelling communities.

Our revised opening hours are Noon until six pm, Monday to Thursday. We are closed every year from July to October, for annual stocktaking and staff training, although we will open briefly during the first week in September, for our convenience.

If you have forgotten to pay for your parking space, let me remind you that pay-and-display machines are available in the foyer and we do not accept cash, only payment by mobile phone.

Parking is charged at the rate of £5 per 15 minutes. Anyone failing to display a valid ticket or overstaying their allotted time will be clamped and towed away. You will have to pay a fine of £100 and a recovery fee of £450 in order to retrieve your vehicle.

If this happens, please see our car park attendant Mr Johnson, who will be happy to rent you a bike.

We apologise if you have been accosted by aggressive beggars from Romania outside the store, but under human rights law we are unable to remove them from their makeshift camp in the loading bay.

Please remember to keep your vehicle locked, otherwise you may return to find a family of gypsies living in it.

Good morning shoppers and welcome to Cameron’s Multimart. This is your manager speaking, but you can call me Dave. We particularly welcome customers from the Black Minority Ethnic, LGBT and travelling communities

Your health and safety is our number one priority. Even if you have shopped with us before, please pay close attention to the safety demonstration being conducted by our head of security Mrs May in the tinned goods aisle.

We have recently introduced new, enhanced security procedures. All shoppers must submit to a full body and cavity search, unless they are wearing a burka. Anyone physically or verbally abusing our staff will be prosecuted.

Customers are required to wear hi-viz jackets and hard-hats at all times. Please use the hand-sanitiser dispensers as you enter the store, to prevent the spread of ebola.

If possible, try not to put any litter in the bins provided, since they are only being emptied once every two weeks to comply with our targets for combating global warming.

Parents using our father-and-baby changing facilities, please remember to take any dirty nappies home with you.

E-cigarettes are strictly prohibited. To facilitate enforcement, closed circuit cameras will monitor shoppers throughout the store at all times and special ‘anti-vape’ alarms have been fitted in the non-gender-specific toilets.

We hope you enjoy your shopping experience today and invite you to take advantage of our special offers.

Unfortunately, we regret that our popular buy-one-get-one-free promotions have been withdrawn. In line with our deficit reduction programme, we are now offering one item for the price of two.

Our chief cashier Mr Osborne *(left) has also raised VAT on all purchases, excluding pasties,

We have also introduced a preferential pricing system, which means that grocery bills will be linked to earnings. Before you reach the till, please have a copy of your wage slip available for inspection.

Middle-income shoppers will be required to pay a 40 per cent premium, rising to 45 per cent for higher earners. Although this may seem punitive, it still significantly undercuts our competitors at the Co-op, who intend to levy a supplement of 50p in the pound.

Don’t forget to visit the in-house butcher Mr Pickles. All our top-quality meat is exclusively halal, at the request of our valued Muslim customers. We regret that pork is no longer available, in any shape or form — such as joints, chops, sausages, pork pies, pulled pork and salami-by-the-inch.

In line with healthy eating guidelines recently issued by our head office, we are authorised to supply two small portions of red meat, per person, per week, but only on condition customers also agree to eat five portions of fruit and vegetables a day. No one may purchase more than five eggs a week, including Cadbury’s Creme Eggs.

The management has also decided to withdraw Terry’s Chocolate Oranges from sale, ever since customers started counting them as one of their five-a-day.

As part of our anti-obesity strategy, we are no longer stocking confectionery or patisserie items, such as sticky buns and doughnuts. Anyone looking for fruitcakes should try the cut-price Ukip (United Kingdom Independent Produce) bakery in Carswell Street.

Alcohol will be sold only to people aged 65 and over, on production of a valid birth certificate, EU passport, two utility bills and accompanied by both parents. Customers able to provide satisfactory proof of identity will be permitted one small bottle of low-cal ginger beer shandy each.

Regrettably, we have cleared the shelves of all kosher and Israeli products, following representations from our local MP Mr Galloway and a visit from a joint delegation of Islamic State supporters and the provisional wing of the Workers Revolutionary Party.

On the fish counter, Mr Cable is proud to offer a tasty selection of Patagonian toothfish and snook. Unfortunately, due to the Common Fisheries Policy and the criminal destruction of the British trawler fleet, we can no longer supply cod or haddock from British waters.

We apologise that our drop-in clinic remains closed, following the unfortunate deaths of a number of customers from an MRSA outbreak. As a result of a review of our in-house pharmacy policy, aspirins have been withdrawn from sale and there is now an 18-month wait for a flu jab.

Those of you in the market for a high-powered vacuum cleaner, toaster or hair dryer should go immediately to our electrical department, since all these items are selling out fast. If you have any questions, our European Sales Manager Mr Clegg will be happy to help explain why.

Don’t be alarmed if all the lights in the store go out suddenly and the electric tills and do-it-yourself scanners stop working. This happens at least three times a day, following our decision to generate all our power using the wind turbine in the car park in order to meet carbon reduction targets.

In the event of a power cut, an emergency coal-fired generator will kick in to supply the ‘unexpected item in bagging area’ alarms.

Finally, if you are planning to buy any whisky, oat cakes or other produce made in Scotland, you would be well advised to stock up today since we will not be able to guarantee any further supplies after Thursday, September 18.

Thank you for shopping at Cameron’s. Please remember to watch out for our Closing Down Sale in May.