It is New Year's Day so I thought I would start the year with some comical Stories:
1) This is a letter from a man in Australia complaining about his flight where he had to sit next to a very large man, my wife sympathises with him as it happens to her every time she flies
2) There is an article on Designer Vagina. I just wonder when these women have this surgery done do the go to parties and drop their draws and say "Would anyone like to see my Vagina?" or would they photograph this unique piece of body sculpture and Facebook it? Now if this catches on will the Government get involved and maybe give these Vagina's tax breaks or even allow them to marry?
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Dear Jetstar...
Do you like riddles? I do, that's why I'm starting this letter with one.
What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the
decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures
food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute?
Still nothing? Right, one more try. What's fat as f***, stinks like shit and
should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That's right, it's
the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.
As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the
additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when
I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located
halfway down the aisle.
As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn't a dangerous
semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this
relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere
underneath him.
Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the
first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue
cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed
with cologne - Eau No.
Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of
the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it's entirely possible that
none of them actually saw me. Perhaps this photo will jog their memories.
Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 127
Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left,
which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the
cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn't catch the names of the three flight
attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I'll call them: Chatty 1,
Chatty 2 and Giggly (I've given them all the same surname -
Couldnotgiveash***).
After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation,
presumably about how s*** they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just
giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back
of the aircraft, to which Giggly responded, "hehehe, they're for crew
only, hehehe". I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental
impairment.
I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the
Couldnotgiveas*** triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves
was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my
way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in
side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning.
Just before landing,
I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine
my surprise when I saw both "crew only" rows occupied by non-crew
members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she
was and why she's flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.
Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined
by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn't that
exactly the same as having someone who can't control their calorie intake
occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that's why I'm
demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the $25 for an emergency row
seat.
I'm also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental
suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower
back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I'm yet to regain
full use of my left side. If I don't recover completely, I'll have to say
goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. If that
occurs, you will pay.
To discuss my generous
compensation package, email me at: richwisken@hotmail.com, or tweet me at:
@RichWisken
No regards,
Rich Wisken.
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Designer vaginas are ruining our idea of what
women's bodies should look like, doctors warn
•
Women who looked at 'designer
vaginas' were more more likely to consider them 'normal' and 'ideal' when later
comparing them to unaltered genitalia
•
Airbrushing and waxing are two of
the main reasons why women are becoming unhappy with their appearance
•
The number of labiaplasties performed
by NHS has risen five-fold since 2001
