Modern Poems sent in by a reader

In today's modern age, the nursery rhymes of yesteryear seem outdated.These are the new, approved (adult) versions for modern times:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won 10 grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh crikey, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into townTo fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little lambit ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arseand turned its wool to nylon.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had alittle lambIts fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

Mary h ad a little skirtwith splits right up the sidesand
everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt'twas split right up the front
But she didn't wear that one very often.