Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Farmer and caravan site, Poofy Kid, Maverick Mayor

A Local farmer applied for planning to build a caravan site on his land to house immigrant workers to work his farm, the Council rightly so said NO as they want to promote work for local people. Yet the Farmer is still preparing his land for the Caravans.Couple of Questions

To the Council:
How far will you go to stop this farmers building his Caravan site? I believe he will win most probably using the Human Rights Act or some other nonsense

To The Farmer
Have you tried advertising for local labour? If you have I have not seen the advert

Time for the farmer to put the Community he lives in First before GREED

I like the auditions of Has Britain Got Talent but that is that will not watch the Semi Finals, have seen all the acts. It seems a shame that there are not many unusual acts like the guy on the bike and the Royal Marines drum act, they are different but No the British Public guided by the panel will vote for that poofy looking 12 year BOY or is it a Girl he looks sweet and if he cry enough he will get even more votes, that is why I find the X Factor such a crass programme. Can the kid sing for a 12 year old yes but that is all if he were 20 he would not have gone by the first round but put your money on him to win.
Why does it have to be on every night of the week? Lets be honest this with X Factor the Jungle crap is cheap Tele that's why you have so much of it I shall stick to ITV3


A maverick mayor elected after promising to slash council spending, clear the streets of yobs and ditch politically correct services is the torch-bearer for how towns should be run.
On his first morning as Mayor of Doncaster in South Yorkshire, Peter Davies cut his salary from £73,000 to £30,000 then closed the council’s newspaper for "peddling politics on the rates".
Now three weeks into his job, Mr Davies is pressing ahead with plans he hopes will see the number of town councillors cut from 63 to just 21, saving taxpayers £800,000.
Mr Davies said: "If 100 senators can run the United States of America, I can’t see how 63 councillors are needed to run Doncaster".
He has withdrawn Doncaster from the Local Government Association and the Local Government Information Unit, saving another £200,000. Mr Davies said, "They are just talking shops".
"Doncaster is in for some serious un-twinning. We are twinned with probably nine other cities around the world and they are just for people to fly off and have a binge at the council’s expense".
The mayor’s chauffeur-driven car has also been axed by Mr Davies and the driver given another job. Mr Davies, born and bred in Doncaster, swept to power in the May election with 24,244 votes as a candidate for the English Democrats, a party that wants tight immigration curbs, an English Parliament and a law forcing every public building to fly the flag of St. George.
He has promised to end council funding for Doncaster ’s International Women’s Day, Black History Month and the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender History Month.
He said, "Politicians have got completely out of touch with what people want".
"We need to cut costs. I want to pass on some savings I make in reduced taxes and use the rest for things we really need, like improved children’s services".
Mr Davies has received messages from well wishers across the country and abroad as news of his no-nonsense approach spreads.
Now it’s your chance to spread this most sensible way to run a town council.

Good Man.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

News from EU

The       Good Life Letter
      29 May 2011
 Discover why the Vikings are scared of yeast
 Are all EU laws bad laws?
 Is the latest MHPRA directive all wrong?
      Dear Martin,
So the story about the fearless Vikings in Denmark banning Marmite has spread like wildfire over the internet and mainstream media.
In fact it has spread like Marmite on hot toast!
I had to laugh at some of the coverage which showed bewildered members of the Copenhagen public challenged to say why they wanted this yeast extract taken off the shelves.
Many of them hadn't got a clue what they were being asked about!
The prize for this week's 'making a mountain out of a molehill' was the front page of the Guardian in the week making the link between the banning of this 'foreign import' and the enforcement of Denmark's border controls - well they would wouldn't they!
Funny as the story might be it does highlight a growing trend for governments across the globe.  We are seeing more and more legislation being brought in which is dramatically affecting our right to choose, especially in natural health care.
I know many of you highlighted the recent actions of the Medicines and Healthcare Products Regulatory Agency (MHPRA) who began to enforce the EU traditional medicines directive which was passed in 2004.
For those of you who haven't heard of this, basically from May 1 this year many of the 'traditional' herbal remedies have been outlawed, unless the producer can obtain a license to make it.
The claim is made that with one in four of us taking over the counter herbal medicines (MHPRA survey 2009) there is a need to ensure that they are safe and that the practitioners who prescribe them are trained and registered.
On the other hand there is a very vocal lobby that cites the action as being nothing more than a move to protect the big pharmaceutical companies from a growing threat to their income.
Hmm ... who to believe?
You know me well enough to realise that I am no fan of blue chip greed.
BUT I do see the logic in this legislation. I may be out on a limb here but let me explain my reasoning.
You and I both know that just because something grows in our garden it doesn't mean it's safe to eat. Anyone fancy a little Ragwort salad or even a few juicy ergot spores in your bread?
We also know that not everything is good for everyone, all of the time; for instance, if we have a heart condition we shouldn't overdo the grapefruit, pregnant mums need to go easy on the caffeine and a diet consisting solely of fruit will have the same effect as Pickford's removals on our stomachs!
All that glitters isn't necessarily...
For hundreds of thousands of years people have been digging stuff up, drying herbs, picking fruit, making teas and tinctures and creams and even grinding up rocks to produce health promoting substances, and I for one am a real fan.  There is a huge amount of knowledge out there about natural remedies
But our modern world has become obsessed with and dominated by the miracle of modern science and the drugs which they yield. This has led to the formation of large global companies who are in the business of making money for their shareholders, rather than make medicine to cure us purely out of the goodness of their hearts.
The big boys want to protect their revenue streams and will do all they can to rubbish their competition, which now includes a growing natural health movement.
I don't doubt for an instance that the pharmaceutical lobbyists working in the European Parliament placed a few choice words in democratic ears... maybe they even went further than that, who can say?
But there is another consideration...
If you found out that the nice man telling you to take this powdered herb was selling insurance to old people the previous week would you trust him?  It's easily done in our modern world; people can radically change their careers at the drop of a hat.
Just because some born again Bob Dylan fan feels like celebrating his 70th year by opening a health store and flogging a range of nice herbs doesn't make it a safe practise.
If we accept that these products DO have a powerful impact on our bodies shouldn't we expect the bloke advising us on them to at least have some form of training?
Likewise, the stuff he is selling us needs to have an element of purity to it, it has to be from a verified source and should be safely packaged - that makes sense doesn't it?
The problem is that this kind of common sense is just taken to a level of bureaucracy that can only be achieved by a bunch of duffers in Brussels.
What does it mean though?
Michael McIntyre (no not THAT Michael McIntyre), chairman of the European Herbal and Traditional Medicines Practitioners Association, said: "We are absolutely delighted the Government has now at long last gone for statutory regulation of practitioners, without which patients would lose access to a very wide range of herbal medicines."
So regulation doesn't seem to be too much of a burden to the practitioners (although I can imagine that some of the smaller operators may be concerned)
The consumer should benefit from some controls being applied.  Those who put their products through testing and approval will be able to promote the purity and safety of their produce.
There will undoubtedly be natural remedies which have been caught up in this law that are inherently safe, and shouldn't have any level of control applied to them. However, I will be happier knowing that some testing is being carried out.
Rest assured that all herbal remedies I stock in my shop conform to the new law.
Click here to see Herbal Remedies in the Good Life Shop
Yours, as always


        Ray Collins
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Saturday, May 28, 2011

David Cameron and his promises

'I saw Live Aid and I'm sticking to my promise': How Cameron justifies the billions Britain spends abroad

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1391581/G8-summit-2011-David-Cameron-dismisses-foreign-aid-budget-criticism.html#ixzz1NddB7K27

How can he justify sending aid to India

What about his other promises:
1) resign from the human rights act?
2) Bring down immigration?
3) Relook at our membership of the EU
4) Improve Law and Order

The Public does not need a lecture from him on Promises

Friday, May 27, 2011

UK doles out more aid than any other country:

UK doles out more aid than any other country: Despite the savage cutbacks at home, we top world league in foreign aid

Can you believe this when will this country come to its senses and when will any Government start listening to the people?

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1391334/Britain-doles-aid-country-despite-savage-cutbacks-home.html#ixzz1NXRz4aaq

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Email circular on Pikeys

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates'. 

Not all like that I am sure

MP question in House on Wind Turbines

House of Commons Speech – 24th May 2011

Sheerness Wind Turbine Factory

Gordon Henderson (Sittingbourne and Sheppey) (Con): Two weeks ago the Danish company Vestas announced that it had signed an option for 70 hectares of land at the port of Sheerness. That option opens up the possibility of Vestas setting up a factory in my constituency to manufacture its next generation wind turbine, the V164-7.0. Vestas is considering locating in the UK because of the immense growth prospects for offshore wind-generated energy in this country, but let us not be under any illusions: Vestas has plenty of alternative options on the continent.

Vestas has already made a substantial investment just to secure the land option in Sheerness, and I am convinced that it is ready to move that option to a full lease as long as it sees firm commitments from customers. Of course, potential customers will not be willing to provide those buying commitments unless there is sufficient market and regulatory certainty to ensure a long-term viable business case. I am calling on the Government to provide that certainty and to create the conditions that would enable Vestas to secure the orders for the V164, which would give it the confidence to turn the option for land at Sheerness into a full lease, start building its factory and create much needed jobs in my constituency.

I have already discussed the situation with Vestas and it is looking for a number of assurances from the Government before sealing the deal. It wants to see a support mechanism that is specifically adapted to the needs of the wind industry, as opposed to trying to make wind fit within a one-size-fits-all solution. Such a support mechanism is key to making offshore wind a long-term, cost-competitive component of the energy mix, and needs to be designed very quickly and set at a level that drives continued investment from Vestas customers. In addition, Vestas need reassurances that the UK’s offshore wind ambitions will not be moderated. It wants to see mechanisms in place to avoid any prolonged hiatus in investments as a result of the electricity market reform proposals. It wants the Government to set firm and ambitious targets, specifically for offshore wind generation, and not only to 2020, but beyond to 2030. Finally, it wants timely decisions on planning applications not only for offshore projects but for the enabling infrastructure, such as grid connections and substations, which would provide more market certainty and increase investor confidence.

If Vestas sets up its factory on Sheppey, an estimated 2,000 direct jobs and 1,000 indirect jobs will be created. On behalf of all those in my constituency who would benefit from those jobs, I would like to ask several questions. First, how do the Government plan to provide Vestas with the necessary conditions that would encourage it to make that major investment in the UK? Secondly, what are they doing to overcome the obstacles that the offshore wind industry faces? Thirdly, what are they doing to ensure that investment like that proposed by Vestas comes to the UK and does not go to countries such as Germany or France, which no doubt would welcome it with open arms? Fourthly, how can the UK maintain its position as global leader in offshore wind energy and secure the jobs and economic benefits that go with it?

Fifthly, why are the Government opting for an electricity market reform package that appears to be focused on getting new nuclear power stations off the ground, rather than putting more emphasis on getting investment into renewables? Sixthly, given that the Government’s £60 million so-called ports fund, which is supposed to help upgrade port infrastructure to meet the needs of the offshore wind industry, applies only to areas with assisted status, how do the Government intend to create a level playing field so that we in Sittingbourne and Sheppey can secure Vestas investment for an area of high deprivation that just happens to be located in the so-called wealthy south-east? Finally, what can the Government do to help de-risk the potential investment by Vestas? I appreciate that those are not questions to which my right hon. Friend the Minister has ready answers, but I very much hope that he will ensure that the relevant Minister provides a response as a matter of urgency.

The Parliamentary Secretary, Office of the Leader of the House of Commons (Mr David Heath): The hon. Member for Sittingbourne and Sheppey (Gordon Henderson) is someone else whose constituency I feel I know much more about than I did a few weeks ago, having replied to a debate with him only recently. I know how important the Vestas investment in Sheerness on the Isle of Sheppey is to his constituents. He asked me a series of questions, but accepted that I would probably be unable to answer him. He is absolutely right—I cannot—but I will ensure that his questions are communicated to the relevant Minister. What I can say is that the Government are talking to Vestas about how to assist the investment that it is thinking of making. There is a problem, in that the £60 million is not available because Sheerness is not an assisted area. There are EU state aid rules and there are difficulties getting around them, but the Government are very keen on assisting the investment, as the hon. Gentleman is, and I hope we can do everything possible to make it a reality.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

email circular plus Copper charged for pushing a drunk over

Below is email circular  Did you see the TV programme "Price Philip at 90" great stuff and what about the copper being charged with Manslaughter for pushing a pain in the arse drunk over, now his family , who had not spoken to him for year. want justice or does that mean a nice piece of compensation?
Dear Mr Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.

Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.

Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -

Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -

Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....

And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.


Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):


Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.



Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

EU and Dan Hannan

All of you will know my opinions of the EU and how I feel we should withdraw from this monstrous dictatorship
On a lot of occasions we vote people into this organisation and even the most fervent critics ends up going native and likes the gravy train they are on where they can earn a fortune but one MEP who has stood his ground is Daniel Hannan, please look at his You tube video and notice how little time he has to put his argument across and also notice how many empty seats there are

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

But I have no pets

Pet Insurance BUT I have no pet?

I recently received the International Budo Federations bank statement and on it there was a direct debit for £13.22p for pet insurance. The IBF obviously does not own a pet and neither do I so I contacted the bank and had the DD stopped and asked for information on who authorised the DD. I was told it was a company called BDLM I contacted them they apologised and said they would refund the money great, I then asked who produced the DD mandate they refused to tell me because they would be in breach of the Data Protection act? My response was this is my account and someone has taken money frequently from it so why are protecting a criminal’s Data? So back to the Bank who then referred me to their Fraud Department they couldn’t help and I was told to contact the Police but was warned because it was a small amount there was doubt whether anything would be done. OK telephone Police which I did, I was put on hold and after 10 minutes I thought enough is enough as I had spent well over an hour on phone calls.

So what have I found out?

1) Banks do not keep complete details of transactions

2) The Data Protection Act protects the criminal

3) Police do not answer their phones

4) It seems a crime is a crime only if it involves a great deal of money

5) I still do not know got into my account

6) Is my account safe?

Martin Clarke East Street Sittingbourne

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Wind Turbines

So Danish Company will be investing in a factory on Sheppey to produce wind turbines and create 2 thousand jobs Good news. Or is it? How many of those jobs will go to local people have the Local Council made a condition on their planning permission that they hire local people? You can remember when Morrison’s first talked about coming here they said that 80% of the work force would be local Labour but that’s not what we hear from the people who work there they say the percentage is much higher, when I complained to local MP Gordon Henderson about the situation he promised to look into it which he did this was his reply

“I have personally investigated the claims about Morrison’s and I am satisfied that at least 70 percent of their workforce are of British origin. It is true they use agency staff but that is only to supplement their full time staff during peaks in their business”

Now even if Gordon’s statement is true that still doesn’t match the 80% promised by Morrison’s, I wonder whether the public would be allowed to see the names and addresses of their workforce.

So what of the wind turbines I wrote to our MP, MEP, Leader of the council and several other councillors on the subject, within an hour I received the following from our MP “As for the proposed wind turbine factory; if it goes ahead then I am confident that a high proportion of the workforce will come from our area.” As of yet no one else has replied I just hope Gordon Henderson MP is right but sadly I do not have the same confidence he has. The whole of Swale is being blighted by unemployment yet we see not just Farmers but builders and factories taking on immigrant labour rather then employ their fellow country man. I have written countless letters to the press on this subject none being printed it is if they are in cahoots with employers and local council to sweep this problem under the carpet.

I for one have no faith in any political party when it comes to immigration; none have the courage to take on the EU or the Human Rights Parasites.

Martin Clarke

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Only read if you are over 60

My friend Curt in the USA sent the following


Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER , upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The courtesy out of driving,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education,

The service out of patriotism,

The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending,

The ambition out of achievement or

God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!


I ' m the life of the party...... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I ' m very good at opening childproof caps.... With a hammer.

I ' m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I ' m smiling all the time because I can ' t hear a thing you ' re saying.

I ' m sure everything I can ' t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere..

I ' m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that ' s just my left leg.

I ' m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I ' m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn ' t send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!

Spread the laughter

Share the cheer

Let ' s be happy

While we ' re here.

Go Green - Recycle CONGRESS!!

Monday, May 09, 2011


I recently attended the British Sambo Open in Dumfries Scotland and had a marvellous time the competition was excellent but it is the Scottish Countryside that blows me away. I have been travelling to Dumfries for over thirty years and I never stop wanting to visit, for those who have not visited Scotland you must the scenery is breath taking. Dumfries has rolling hills with acres upon acres of green grass, Lochs of pure silvery clear water go a little further and you will see forests with Deer, Ferrell Goats standing beside beautiful water falls with name like the Mare’s Tales, visit small towns like Moffat, enjoy the Bagpipes plus lots of little shops, tea rooms and of course do forget the Dumfries coast line and maybe visit a fishing village like Kippford and breath in the charm. Scotland clean and welcoming country, if I had the money I would buy a second home there not just because I love the place but it would upset the SNP.

Yet the following weekend I was in for a treat I decided to visit Kent’s Sissinghurst Castle Nr Tenterden, the Castle and the grounds were beautiful but it was the journey there and back was the treat. I travel down through Bredgar, Hollingbourne, Leeds, Cranbrooke, Headcorn and many more villages for those who know the area you will know you cross the North Downs. Kent away from the major towns and you will see a different beauty to Scotland, you will see orchards, apple and pear plantations, strawberry fields, acres of current bushes, then there are paddocks of horses, grass meadows with sheep and cattle, this time of year you can see green fields of young corn, yellow of rape, blue of linseed plus many other arable crops. Let’s not forget our chestnut woods with bluebells covering the floor like a carpet and the fluttering of a pheasant, the magnificent hedge rows. I returned through Pluckily, Fritterden, Three Chimneys, Biddenden, Crafty Green, Wye, Doddington, Rodmersham, and Bapchild what a drive, sometimes we do not recognise what we have in our own County. I am glad I was born a Man of Kent the side of the River Medway which has all the best of the County and I haven’t mentioned Romney Marsh and the great Kent Coast line yet

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Census form completed

My census form has been returned.

In answer to the question: "do you have any dependants"

I put "Asylum seekers, Gypos, Smackheads, most of Liverpool,

the cast of Jeremy Kyle, the Bradford Taliban, Northern Rock, the Scottish NHS

and half of Eastern Europe".

Apparently, it wasn't the right answer!!!

A note from Bill Gates

This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom.

Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this!

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about

eleven (11) things they did not and will not learn in school.

He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings

created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and

how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.

The world will expect you to accomplish something

BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.

You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.

Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:

They called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault,

so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring

as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,

cleaning your clothes and listening to you

talk about how cool you thought you were.

So before you save the rain forest

from the parasites of your parent's generation,

try delousing the closet in your own room..

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers,

but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades

and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.

*This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters.

You don't get summers off and very few employers

are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.

*Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life.

In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds.

Chances are you'll end up working for one..

If you can read this... Thank a Teacher.

If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier!

And for life and everything else you have... Thank God!!

Now... think about this and smile if you agree and please pass this on...

If you don't agree, go stick your head in the sand and take a deep breath!

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

This will upset those left wing Academics

Any of you on Facebook and want to wind up those academics who alternate world to the rest of us send this article

A few bits from my emails

Subject: FW: A Good laugh!!

My apologies for some of these…

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. ""f*#k that" says Mick” have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum! Do you think I should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Grumpies of the World unite!

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing England 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -

Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -

Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....

And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy buggers to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard.

Grumpies of the World Unite


Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.



The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie'

in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians..... It creates a hostile work environment.

Subject: FW: Politically Incorrect...

1. In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, Africa is the correct answer.....

2. One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that 'African' and 'Americans' is not the correct answer.

3. I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

4. A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in town, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

5. You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

6. Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 40,000 Muslims have asked to add me as a friend!!

7. The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.


A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"


A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".


Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"