A few bits from my emails

Subject: FW: A Good laugh!!


My apologies for some of these…



My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. ""f*#k that" says Mick” have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.



My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.



I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum! Do you think I should change dentists?





I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.



Grumpies of the World unite!







Dear Mr. Cameron,



Please find below our suggestion for fixing England 's economy.



Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.



You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:



There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.



Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:



1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed



2) They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed



3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -



Housing Crisis fixed



4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -



Crime rate fixed



5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....



And there's your money back in duty/tax etc



6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy buggers to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.



It can't get any easier than that!



P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances



If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard.



Grumpies of the World Unite



COWS



Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?



And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.





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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS



The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -



You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie'



in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians..... It creates a hostile work environment.







Subject: FW: Politically Incorrect...





1. In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, Africa is the correct answer.....



2. One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that 'African' and 'Americans' is not the correct answer.



3. I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.



4. A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in town, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.



5. You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.



6. Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 40,000 Muslims have asked to add me as a friend!!



7. The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.



Yorkshire




A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.



Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."



Vet: "Is it a tom?"



Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

.....................................................................................



A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.



Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"



Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"



Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"



..................................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.



He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.



True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.



When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".



He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.



Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".



The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:



"E, she were thin".



..................................................................................



Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"



Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"