Thursday, January 13, 2011

Just a few Dittiis

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next Monday the forms will be printed in English.

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

 is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1) Spending it at car boot sales, or

2) Going to night clubs, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or whisky or

5) Tattoos.

Thank goodness for the British sense of humour!

Our great country is going down the drain at a fast rate of

Knots, yet we can still laugh at ourselves.

The sad part about this, is there is a lot of truth in the


Introducing "Asylum" - the new game show hosted by

Julia Gillard....

Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of :


Today's program features another chance to

Take part in our

Exciting competition:

Hop on a boat

And win


We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands

Of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,

The BRITISH Taxpayer.

And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid

British Passport, and you only need one word of English:


Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting

At £250 + a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging,

Mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights.

This competition is open to everyone, so buy a ticket to FRANCE

And catch the first available boat.

No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.

All you have to do is destroy all your papers or burn your boat once you

Enter British waters and remember the magic password:


A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan

Were flown Goat Class from Kabul to a Paris Gateway where agents were on hand to fast-track them to

Their boat trips from Calais to luxury accommodation.

They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in

Hotels all over Britain.

Our most popular destinations also include Leeds and

The world famous Capital resort of London If you still don't

Understand the rules, don't forget,

there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience

Just apply for legal aid.

Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting

To help.

It won't cost you a penny.

It could change your life forever .

So play today.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists,

Kosovan drug-smugglers,

Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas ...


Get along to the French fishing ports

Don't stop in Belgium or Holland Go straight to Britain And you are:


To be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest

Game on earth.

Everyone's a winner, when they





(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.. )

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