Saturday, December 13, 2014

Have a Smile

Had a few emails sent thought you may enjoy them

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove....

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related....

Due to a water shortage inIreland , Dublinswimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8…

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him...

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69...

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says" I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner"...

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full...

Absolutely amazing, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

The British Penny -
European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31 December 2014.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be:

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.

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